Match Report FROM THE FUTURE

South Wales Echo

Saturday October 26th 2013

Cardiff City v Swansea City at the Cardiff City Stadium

After Cardiff's incredible start to the new Premiership season, Swansea must have feared the worst as they travelled to the newly refurbished all-red 50,000 seater CCS today to face a team that surged to the top of the table in the first week and have showed all intention of staying there.

The match kicked off in front of a noisy and vibrant full house and Cardiff, resplendent in their new style 'Roy of the Rovers' kit, immediately asserted their dominance with a quick build up through midfield with new signings Ramsey and Bale linking up to provide Bellamy the first opportunity of the game which he dispatched with ease into the top corner of the Swansea net.

Bale provided goals 2 and 3, both strikes from 40 yards struck with such force by the £60M midfielder that although the Swansea goalkeeper saved them, the momentum was enough to carry keeper and ball over the goal line.

After half-time the punishment continued as Swansea were simply unable to cope with wave after wave of Cardiff attacking. The biggest sensation of the game occurred with the introduction of new signing, the aptly-named Colonel Cardiffi, who landed in Cardiff fresh from his emphatic Heavyweight unification victory against Wladimir Klitschko in Las Vegas.

The 34 year old, playing his debut season in the Football League was a one-man wrecking ball throughout the second half scoring a further 8 goals for Cardiff, the pick of the bunch being an extravagant overhead kick from his own penalty area that scorched across the field like an exocet missile, decapitating Alan Tate and the Swansea goalkeeper, burning a hole in the net, bursting through the stand and was later reported to have finally landed in Dorset.

At the final whistle the crowd charged onto the pitch to carry the Colonel aloft on their shoulders in victory. Amongst those chanting his name and passing him along in the air was the teary-eyed faces of the likes of Pele, Maradonna and Lionel Messi who simply tossed his Golden Boots award to Cardiffi in full recognition of his incredible achievement and likely future success.

The crowd continued passing Cardiffi along to the dressing room where Beyonce, Mila Kunis and the Cardiff Supermodel/Cheerleading squad eagerly awaited his arrival with a 5-hour champagne sponge bath while my old high school form teacher stood on the other side of the door crying bitter tears of regret over once commenting that I would never amount to anything.

All in all a good game, City look like taking the football world by storm for many seasons to come.

Final Score: Cardiff 11 - 0 Swansea

Be sure to join us next week when Cardiffi will be going back in time to do battle with Hitler and his army of cyborg Tyrannosaurus Rex's.

In the second half, we'd be playing towards the north-west, so the ball would have landed somewhere near Aberystwyth, rather than Dorset. So no improvement in the accuracy of the Echo's reporting, then.

The Tonker wrote:In the second half, we'd be playing towards the north-west, so the ball would have landed somewhere near Aberystwyth, rather than Dorset. So no improvement in the accuracy of the Echo's reporting, then.

Actually, the ball went around the world once so it's amazing that it landed as close as Dorset.

I was/will be so proud to be on the bench that day...just to be apart for that team has/will been/be an absolute honour

Colonel, what happened to your blog with the brilliant match reports you compiled?

*** G L O V E S *** wrote:Colonel, what happened to your blog with the brilliant match reports you compiled?

Indeed, Hemingway would have been gob-smacked with admiration.

*** G L O V E S *** wrote:Colonel, what happened to your blog with the brilliant match reports you compiled?

Ah yes, sort of ran out of steam in September, the pressure to write such terrific prose about our great club did indeed effect a burden.

I kept the blog open in case future generations wanted to learn about the classical writings of the 21st century: http://thecitycrazyblog.blogspot.co.uk/

hugs colonel

Genius!

Now if you could just pm me the winner of the 3.45 at Doncaster tomorrow

veg wrote:Genius!

Now if you could just pm me the winner of the 3.45 at Doncaster tomorrow

He'll have to be s**t hot, there's no racing at Doncaster tomorrow

Did you just google that you saddo

veg wrote:Did you just google that you saddo

I'm not that sad, I just happened to be on the Paddypower site earlier.

If there was racing at Doncaster, I bet there would have been 3.45 as it seems a very popular time for some reason, as is 3.05 I've noticed. But not 3.25 it seems.

School yard 47-a-side Pontygof Infants blog... After the playtime athletes swarmed around the 17 pound inflatable pig's skin ball... It finally squirted into free space... Hearts beat... Eyes fixed... Sinew toughened and endeavour was focused... School to die for sweethearts watched as the ball went into space... Slo mo 360 frames a second pace... This moment would never pass again... Where heroes live... Where moments that define the lives that haunt the children that we are yet to have... The once in a life time moment that writes our folklore in story time of humanity ... The ball rolled, and rolled, and rolled to the feet of a young poet, a dreamer, a nobody who in the face of an open goal would define himself, by cocking the trigger of a dusty gun and an unleashing the bullet... That went wide... Mile wide... and sealed his fate as an unshaggablw tw@t....

colonel, with dimensions like that how do you manage to have a profile pic of whitts?



great match report though