It's Your FFS We Won You Miserable Sod Player Ratings

We set a record and by god were we poor. Watford came to play on the counter and but for two bits of stupid play would have taken the points. They even had two clear chances with 9 men!

Marshall - 8 Three very good saves and blameless for the goal (I think)

Connolly - 8 Shunted over to right back and put in the best footballing performance we've seen at the position this year. Watford played narrow and rarely attacked the flanks so it is a little hard to judge him defensively but going forward he was miles ahead of Taylor all game. Showed good speed chasing and winning balls into the corners and when he dropped back into a three we missed him down the right. So far, one excellent signing.

Turner - 7 About fifteen minutes in, some City arsing about with the ball saw Watford's flying forward burst free and charge towards the area. A goal seemed imminent until greased Rhino Turner slide across for the tackle of the game. With the ball at his feet he looked as awkward as Ben Turner with the ball at his feet and fell victim to the worse dive anyone has ever seen ever in the world. Ever.

Hudson - 7 Remember when Hudson thought he was Whittingham and scored twice and Whittingham showed him who was boss with a killer tackle? Well tonight they decided to see who was the best tackler by challenging each other for the same ball. A Watford player won and nearly scored. A tough game for the central defence. Watford had a lightning fast striker and a dirty diving tosser up front and broke very quickly on the counter. Hudson, as ever, did his job.

Taylor - 5 His easiest game for a long time as Watford shunned the flanks and attacked the middle, except for one ten minute spell when Doyley (silly name, good player) switched positions with the about to be sent off otherwise Cassetti and twice torched Taylor. Worse was to come. All game Taylor had room to attack and delivered absolutely sod all but when Watford were down to 9 men he really upped the ineptitude. Maybe I'm being harsh and Taylor was in fact practicing his Britain's Got Talent act where he hilariously apes all the useless crossers of the ball City have ever had. We had the Josh Low 'sky into the stand', the Jimmy Gardner 'oh aren't we wearing that colour?', the Paul Quinn lob and the Paul Parry 'look how hard I kicked it daddy! It's gone past everyone and out for a throw in'. McNaughton might be back in the side sooner than we thought.

Smith - 7 Chases ball into the channel, pulls hamstring so badly he needs a stretcher but still shields the ball until somebody gets up to support him rather than let it go out for a goal kick. As Spanners would say, 'What a guy'. Smith was having a really good game as well, except for his shooting which was bizarely feeble.

Cowie - 6 Oooh I was furious when I saw the team line up on Twitter. Cowie in central midfield. No Kiss in sight. Gunns on the bench. It's a good job I can't get an internet recpetion at the CCS or I would have spent the game on here being scathing and caustic. Turns out Cowie played quite well. Not Jordan Much well but better than Gunns has been this year. He gets a six for missing two sitters.

Whittingham - 7 Not a vintage performance but still pulled the strings. Sweet penalty in a pressured situation.

Noone - 6 Bright first half but seemed to miss Bellamy in the second. Tried hard, possibly too hard. Made the wrong decision every time he had a decision to make and his final ball was poor all game.

Helguson - 5 It would be churlish to criticise Helguson after he scored three times in the last two games so I guess I'm a churlish man. Apparently he does unseen work which is good because his seen work, missing an absolute sitter and another good chance, was poor.

Bellamy - 7 Bright, inventive, at the heart of everything good we did, creating space for others, tackling and chasing back, sweet delivery from a free kick. You know, the usual. Clattered in the penalty area when he seemed to injure his knee and maybe should have gone off. We need him back.

Mason - 6 Added some guile and has brilliant movement but is still off his best.

Gestede - 6 Malky thinks: If they are going to keep playing aimless high balls down the middle I'll put on Rudy

Team thinks: Rudy is coming on, Malky must think we are overdoing the high balls down the middle. Let's not play another one all game.

Took well the two balls played to him and had a first class view of the Taylor-Noone crossing debacle

Gunns - 7 The David Platt award for Gunns. One chance, one resounding finish. Smith, Helguson and Cowie could have made the game safe much earlier if they'd been as clinical.

Excellent summation as ever Kamuza. FFS though, stop being such a miserable sod.

Nice mention of Filip Kiss

Great summing up as ever. I must admit I also found it strange that Malky chose to replace McNaughton and not Taylor. Neither are good enough, but McNaughton is better, afterall.

Thanks for the write up, nicely written if I may say!

Fantastic write up!
Really enjoyable read :)

Nice write up Kam man, very amusing (and spot on to boot).

You have added to my growing dislike of Taylor. He's on my hit list with donkey Cowie and Malky Coleman

Can't disagree with the vast majority of those ratings.
Your comments on Connolly are a bit flattering though; I thought he did OK at right-back for a centre-half but no more than that really.