Viz Top Tips Anyone?

Masturbators. Create the effect that you've been sleeping on your arm by getting someone else to pull you off.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking a match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.

Fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce to make it look like the person who sat on it has followed through.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Rod Hull. It finished 1-1 by the way.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

Employers. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

G-ster wrote:Masturbators. Create the effect that you've been sleeping on your arm by getting someone else to pull you off.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking a match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

Convince bar staff that your pint is off by sticking your finger up your arse before holding the glass close to their nose.

Fill a whoopee cushion with brown sauce to make it look like the person who sat on it has followed through.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Rod Hull. It finished 1-1 by the way.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Recreate the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

Employers. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

Save money on expensive chewing gum that "stimulates the mouths natural saliva" by simply asking a friend to gob in your mouth.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will stop you rolling over and going to sleep again.

DEPRESSED PEOPLE. Instead of attempting suicide as a cry for help - simply shout help.

Using a rubber glove to open a stiff lid is a great way of avoiding palm chaffing....

It is all totally innocent but sounds rather smutty

Not a viz top tip, but I did get a letter printed in the Viz letters page once, well sort of. My idea for a letter was divulged to a couple of mates at a barbecue and one of them sent it in and got it published. It was

'I bet Davros the chief dalek wishes his predicament was the other way round, at least then he could have a wank' that's why he was always so tetchy

Convince your neighbours that you have one of those expensive gravel drives by simply glueing rice crispies to your tyres each time you drive in.

Oil Companies: Avoid the general public pointing global warming fingers at you by putting some pictures of trees and flowers on your websites and adverts.

Ensure the light in your fridge is switching off when you close the door by drilling a large hole in it.